alaska – The Smartest Girl in the World

alaska, anxiety, bipolar, dogs, love, mania, mental illness, mixed episode, rapid cycling, Uncategorized

My Dog Alerts Me to My Bipolar ‘Cycling’

November 3, 2018June 23, 2021by Carin MeyerLeave a Comment

(I wrote this article as soon as I returned home from moose hunting, after two weeks of watching this young dog’s remarkable alertness and sensitivity to danger in the wilderness. Whether she is reacting to an animal intruder– moose, bear, or caribou– or to a sudden switch in my bipolar moods, Lapua’s intense sensitivity has been remarkable since she was an eight-week old puppy.)

While I helped set up our moose camp deep in the Talkeetna Mountains, my 10-month old puppy, Lapua, a lanky, 50-pound, Great Pyrenees-husky-boxer mix, set up her own vantage point at the top of the knoll.

From her spot, she could watch for any moose, bears, or caribou that might walk up from the ravine below through the swamp east of our camp, and up the hillside. Lapua knew that this was the entrance to our camp, and what would be the main trail for any intruder, and so she sat, on alert, ready to warn us of any danger.

Although we never saw a bear near camp during those two weeks, she always woof-woofed her alarm when a moose or a curious caribou ventured through the shrubbery along the mountainside above us.

Lapua is not a guard dog, by any means, and she certainly is not highly trained. But, like she did in moose camp, she is somehow able to sense anything that is out-of-sorts in her environment, and she always alerts me and my husband to its presence.

At home in our living room, where she cuddles on a blanket in the corner with my old dog, Ruby, she somehow senses, and responds to, any shift in my bipolar moods.

Read the entire article at bphope.com.

alaska, anxiety, bipolar, confusion, mania, memory, mental illness, mixed episode, nature, rapid cycling, sleep, Uncategorized

‘How Did I Get Here?’—Confronting Bipolar Disorder Confusion

July 1, 2018November 3, 2018by Carin MeyerLeave a Comment

When bipolar confusion leads us into unknown landscapes, it is essential that we ask for help—before we get lost in our own minds.

“Only Carin could get lost in the high desert of Smith Rock,” said my friend, Dave, as he shook his head and laughed. “How in the world did you do it?”

“I don’t know,” I responded, head down.

It was 24 hours since I had started hiking the day before, and more than 22 miles from our climbing camp in central Oregon. And I had no idea how I had gotten there. After a week of rock climbing the hardest routes I could find, of baking in the sun, of sleeping little, and of being the female star of our eight-person climbing group, I wanted a break, and so I headed out at 4 a.m., through a rock formation called Asterisk Pass.

The Crooked River flowed downstream to my left, the spires of Smith Rock to my right. Landmarks surrounded me, but somehow I still got lost.

I knew I had gone too far, but I just kept on walking, making one poor decision after another. And when I arrived at a little farmhouse at 2 a.m. the next morning, tearful and scared, an elderly woman called my friends and they ended their search for me by driving to pick me up. My only memories of my trek were of cow skulls, sinister faces that had formed in the cliffs beside me, and a fast river that I thought of swimming across.

alaska, anxiety, bipolar, love, mania, mental illness, mixed episode, nature, paranoia, rapid cycling, Uncategorized

Bipolar Disorder and Paranoia: Understanding the ‘Horror Stories’ We Create

May 1, 2018August 12, 2018by Carin MeyerLeave a Comment

With bipolar paranoia, it is easy to create our very own horror stories. But when we want to shut our eyes, we need to look.

We are all storytellers. We forge stories in our imaginations. And it is in fear that we create our most elaborate tales.

When it is dark in grizzly country, and I hear a noise outside my tent, it is easy to imagine a bear prowling its perimeter. In my mind, I make a story based on the clues I have before me: a rustling sound in the grass, the crack of a breaking twig, the knowledge that I have left a tube of toothpaste in my backpack, the image of the cooler stocked with food far too close to the tent. As I lie on my back, vigilant, with my ears tuned to pick up any noise, the story of the bear becomes real until I am consumed by fear.

The truth is that the sounds are probably from the wind, or even a small animal moving through the area. Of course, it is plausible that there is a bear outside my tent. But it is unlikely. Like so many nights before, when I am finally brave enough to look outside the tent’s door, there is nothing there.

For some reason, individuals who experience bipolar paranoia are often quite skilled at concocting stories of fear. At some point along the spectrum of mania, depression, and mixed episodes, paranoia creeps in. In my life, it can happen at all points of that spectrum, but it is most common when I am already anxious and agitated and in the midst of a mixed episode. Because something is wrong in the chemical functioning of my brain, I have to find a way to make sense of the pain and anxiety in my body—and so I match that internal tumult with the scariest story I can create. I do not feel good, so something must be wrong in my life.

alaska, bipolar, circadian rhythms, hypomania, mania, medication, mental illness, mixed episode, nature, paranoia, rapid cycling, sleep, suicide, Uncategorized

Agitated Despair: Mixed Episodes and Bipolar Disorder

March 17, 2018March 17, 2018by Carin MeyerLeave a Comment

A bipolar mixed episode is a uniquely confusing experience and can result in a state of extreme agitation and despair, but you can prevent this by recognizing early signs of a coming episode.

I sat at dusk, my arms around my knees, at the junction of a turbulent and muddy river and the slow, dark water of an ocean inlet. As I sat at the convergence of two vastly different and yet similar things, my mind, too, found itself at its own convergence. Somehow, two moods-vastly different and yet somehow similar-had merged into something terrifying, feverish, and inexplicably sad.

Hours earlier, when I was overflowing with love and grandiose dreams, I spent several hundred dollars on gourmet cookies and bouquets of roses and lilies to hand out to friends. Later, as day turned into evening, mania and depression blended together into the unique and startling pain of a bipolar mixed episode….

alaska, bipolar, hypomania, mania, mental illness, nature, Uncategorized

Bipolar Mania, Hypomania and the Desire to Escape

Featuredby Carin MeyerLeave a Comment

Knowing the early signs of mania, such as a desire to escape, can help to avoid it spiraling into planning elaborate getaways.The hallmark symptom of my coming mania is an overwhelming urge to escape.

For me, the lure of mania has often brought with it the lure of escape. At the beginning, when my mind first starts to quicken with the electric thrill of hypomania, I do not talk of escape. But, as my energy intensifies and a segment of my mind separates itself from the structure, logic, and rules of everyday existence, my plans for escape begin. As I lose the rhythm that usually governs a human life, sleep becomes unimportant, eating becomes unnecessary, and—my ultimate warning sign of an upcoming mania—the idea of escape takes over.

When I was first struggling with my bipolar diagnosis, the manic desire to escape often meant that I would try to go to France. I wanted to rock-climb the giant boulders of Fontainebleau. I wanted touch the gilded walls of Versailles. I wanted to sit under the Eiffel Tower in the moonlight. But, for many years now, escaping from reality usually means that I will try to find a way to run away into the wilderness.